This word is very special to me. One of my closest friends was in a car accident July 25th, 2016. Suffering a TBI, she remains in a minimally conscious state; resting and healing.
In Mark chapter 5, the leader of the local syngogue approached Jesus telling him that his daughter is dying and begging Jesus to come heal her. Jesus goes.
When Jesus gets to the sight, messengers arrived telling them the man that his daughter was now dead and that there was no use in troubling Jesus for healing now. But Jesus overheard and told them to just have faith! When he walked inside to the child, he asked them why they were crying?
He then told them that she is only sleeping. They mocked him, not believing.
But Jesus “Holding her hand, he said to her, “Talitha koum,” which means “Little girl, get up!””
The little girl then got up and walked around. She had been healed.
Having faith in Avery’s situation has been tough. But Jesus shows himself in too many ways for me to not believe her healing is coming!! Talitha Koum, Avery Mae.
But, there is an underlying purpose for my tattoo. For someone who has struggled internally with anxiety and depression, I for one know somedays you feel sick. Because really, it is an illness. Some days it is hard to get out of bed and deal with life because of it weighing on us. You feel defeated. So when I look down at my arm and read the words ‘talitha koum’ I will think of my Avery. And on the days I am feeling defeated, I will see it and I will get up. Because God is urging me to get up, know that He is with me and that we will make it through.
And I do think of you with every cup I pour. I think of the night you gave me the ceramic pink pot and how we danced together in the kitchen of your old house before going to dinner. And as I pour milk into my tea, just a dab, I think about the morning before when you made me breakfast while I swept the floors and wiped down the counters, helping you clean up our mess. But when I reach into the cabinet for the honey I think of the few times you called me your honey, and maybe it was because you thought I was sweet.. but now I only feel bitter. I don’t sweeten my tea anymore. In fact, I’ve gotten into the habit of steeping my tea too long and drinking it anyways; I’ve become accustomed to bitter aftertastes and forgotten whats supposed to taste good. And I’ll think about the book you gave me that night, and how you may never read the pages I’ve filled inside it.These things will cross my mind with each cup I pour, but I’ll also think about how the scorching steep would feel on my skin. I’d compare it to the emotional pain you’ve burdened me with and pour it on myself hoping that maybe I’m no longer numb, but I’d still feel nothing.
His fingers felt different
while they traced my skin
almost like yours used to
and his lips were a different kind of soft- as if he was scared that my dry ones may crumble and break?
his arms wrapped around me securely and
I was still numb, but I wasn’t thinking of you
it was only when I allowed someone else to take me to galaxies once familiar to you and i
to let inside my world and see the constellations made up on my freckled body,
when I realized that my world doesn’t orbit around you
We learn, grow and heal fom our different experiences. That is one thing I have been trying to understand now more than ever. Something I have been anticipating for years now has been my very first tattoo. What would I get? Why would I get it? And where would I place it? Now i’ve never been one to believe that every tattoo must have a meaning, but for however long I can remember flowers have been so so important to me. Flowers symbolize growth. They grow big and tall, sometimes wilt because they’re not properly taken care of, much like us, but they grow beautiful again. They leave seeds here and there and allow more and more growth among the fields and garden around them. They never truly stop growing, and neither do we..
So never stop growing and loving and sharing that growth and love with others.
I’ve grown and i’m still growing.
In my slumber
its your hands around my waist
your fingers tracing my skin
your lips kissing away my pain
and its your voice whispering all good things to me
but then i wake up
and its your hands that are absent
your lips on a can of cheap beer
instead of passionately placed on mine
and its your voice saying to me the things I’d rather not hear
are these dreams or are they nightmares?
Every new daylight
patches up the sleepless night before it
and with every passing moment
that i haven’t heard the familiar ‘I love you’
i sink deeper and deeper
into a pool of my own hurt
and i can’t catch my breath
so i keep sinking
and i let my body rest unmoving
because maybe drowning
will feel better than this hurt
or maybe i’m expecting you to pull me back to surface
Loss has seemed to take a big toll in my life in the past 8 months more than it ever has before. These months contain the most hurt i’ve ever felt, the most tears i’ve shed, and my most physically and mentally exhausting days. Not only have I lost my best friends and those closest to me, I lost sight of my God, and i’ve lost sight of myself. I don’t remember how to love myself, and I plan to love me as much as I used to. I don’t remember how not to shut people out, and I want to let people in. I don’t remember how to love my life and everything around me and I want to remember all of these things.
The past 8 months have also been the most i’ve ever loved. I gave somebody my all and loved them with my whole being. But they also left. Loving people can hurt just as much as losing them. And now I have got to love myself and put myself before others, even if it makes me seem a little selfish.
I’ve been the loneliest I think I have ever been, and in a bit of a funk. I haven’t photographed anyone or anything in over a month, or picked up my guitar more than 3 times and I need time. Who knows, I may take more pictures and write more than ever during this small hiatus. I will still update my blog, and take pictures of my adventures and friends, but, it may only be seldom as I try to fix myself, see my friends and find my Jesus again.